Anxiety and the Extrovert
I was at WalMart when I thought I was going to die.
It was Christmas time.
I just needed lights, ornament hooks, gift tags and Clorox wipes.
It was raining, and I couldn’t find a parking space. I almost ran over a lady in a polka dot rain coat.
My chest began to tighten.
And my heart began to race.
I felt like I was both going to throw up, and explode.
“I am going to die. I am going to die in a Walmart parking lot.”
I called for my sister, even if she wasn’t with me. Its what I do when I’m scared.
“I can’t, I can’t do this.”
I was sure I was dying.
I drove away crying.
And I pulled into an alcove, and began to cry some more. What is happening?
Even if I am not dying. I want to die. This can’t be my life.
I was having a full blown panic attack.
Then I began to cry again. And hyperventilate.
In my car. In an alcove. Outside a WalMart.
I had visions of agoraphobics and how they never left their house. I replayed scenes from “What’s Eating Gilbert Grape” and how their mom just stayed in the house, and ate her way to a crazy death. (Yes my brain went there).
Then I whispered, “God, I don’t know what’s going on. Help.”
Then this song came on (the one at the top of this blog :)). I don’t remember even turning my iPod on. At the time, I felt like it was a mockery of the moment.
“Its not over….”
Over time, it has become my anthem.
“Its not finished…”
And the thing I truly believe for myself.
“When God is in it.”
It has not been a Damascus Road I did not have an encounter and was transformed immediately. With the help of my amazing Christian therapist and my beautiful Jesus, I have been walking the path of healing. I am learning to fight against thoughts that are not God’s towards me. Thoughts that are not God’s best for myself. I choose to accept peace. I choose to trust God when I don’t know and really mean that when I say it.
I war for God’s best for my life.
This week, I am ready to tell you about some of the journey. As with most of the stories of my life- Some of it is funny, awkward, revealing, amazing, revealing, and weird. But all of it is mine.
I am praying for you today. And if you struggle with anxiety, depression, insecurity, rejection or with anything that seems like it will eat you alive, please know I am specifically shouting to the heavenlies for you. I am asking the Lord reveal His Son to you in a new way, so that you would know that there is Another in the fire with you, and He keeps you in the midst of feeling like you will be consumed.